Last night I had an Epiphany!

Definition Epiphany:  a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Everyday someone comments on a blog.  I’ve always felt that comments on a blog were just as important as the blog itself as it gave other people an opportunity to express their views.  This in turn made the blog more meaningful and helpful.  It gives rise to new ideas and theory’s.  And sometimes it helps someone to have an epiphany.

Yesterday a commenter (Ms. Ninja) wrote on Bhabhi Made It Better.  Her comment reminded me of something that had been lurking in the back of my brain but had not fully been realized till she wrote.

You see, I’ve been writing about how hard it’s been to be in an intercultural relationship with someone whose parents didn’t approve.  I’ve been writing about the changes that I will make in my life and the difficulties I might face or that Bear has had to face.  I’ve been writing about how sad it makes my father to have a daughter move so far away.

But I’ve never once written about how hard it must be for Bear’s family.

And it has been hard for them.  And I think we need to address that too because it’s just as important as all the rest.

While I have not spoken to them directly about their feelings on this, I have got a very good idea of what their main concerns have been.  And while we might not always agree with their concerns, it does not lesson it for them.  The world might have moved on in some places, but not in all.

Just imagine you have a son or daughter that you think you know so well.  A son or daughter that you have hopes and dreams for.  And then imagine how you would feel when that son or daughter starts behaving in a way you’ve never seen or imagined them capable of before.  Starts making decisions without you when before they always came to you first before taking those decisions.  Just imagine your life being directly affected by those decisions and the extremity of the change.  How would you feel?  I know you are setting there saying to yourself the same things I’ve said…if I love them I would want the best for them and help them.  But isn’t that exactly what Baba and Aai have done?  Whether or not we agree with their methods, it doesn’t change that their feelings are just as important to them as ours are to us.

Baba and Aai have been asked to face a great many challenges during the past 8 months since Bear and I told them of our intention to marry.  Their world, the one that they had created and cherished and depended on was crashing around their feet.  They were desperate, just as any normal human being who loves greatly would be.  And I love them all the more for it.

To return to my psychology training, Baba and Aai have been going through what Kubler-Ross called the five stages of Grief.

Let’s explore those now so that you can see that their behavior has been exactly what any other normal human being has experienced when dealing with a severe loss of something beloved.

Denial: usually temporary and sometimes can come again after the second stage of grief – Anger.  It’s a defense mechanism to protect the person from realizing the truth of what they are faced with.  By denying the fact of our marriage, or of my existence for some time, it helped them cope with the fact of its reality.

Anger:  Once in the second stage, the individual begins to realize that the denial cannot continue.  Anger can manifest differently for different people and for different reasons.  However the Anger is still there and can make the person difficult to manage or even talk to at this stage.  It is during this time that YOU have to remain calm and not take personally anything that is said.  You also have to remember that you will be needed to help the person healthily express his or her Anger.

Bargaining:  The third stage is when the person comes to hope that they can change the situation or simply delay it.  This is when they can be at their most charming, desperate or even vindictive.  This stage gives the person the appearance of logical and rational thought when making their deals and it is up to you to help them remember the reality of the situation.

Depression:  During the fourth stage the person begins to understand that the situation will not change or be delayed.  Due to this, the person may refuse to speak or see anyone.  He or she may stop medication or proper eating habits.  Essentially, daily routine may become difficult or even impossible for them.  It is during this stage that you must focus on helping them come to terms with the situation and help get them back on track with living their life (in the case of imminent death – this may take longer and require more from you, do not expect them to be happy…but living includes some happy times).

Acceptance:  The final stage is the acceptance of the situation and with that comes some modicum of peace and deeper understanding.  At this stage a person may not focus on any kind of feeling nor express them.  It is up to you to remain with them, and nurture their acceptance to help them continue on with the healing process.

Psychology has found that the five stages of grief apply to any grief situation, from the death of a loved one, learning of one’s own imminent death or even to the loss of some beloved and long cherished belief.

While each person is unique, it does not change that we are all basically “hard wired” for the same range of emotions and emotional internal dialogue.  How we deal with them is what makes us unique.

Bear’s parents went through their own version of the Kubler-Ross model.  While they experienced Denial twice, once before Anger and again right after…they still experienced the same range of emotions and the same stages of Grief.  Their Grief was over the loss of who they thought their son was and the dreams that they had for him.

It’s difficult to correlate two cultures into one.  It’s even more difficult for other cultures not as diverse as our own to accept the emergence of a new culture into theirs.  And really, we cannot blame them.  We’ve gone through it ourselves, and quite recently (consider 9/11).  Just because something is different from what we know and practice does not make it inherently wrong.  It just makes it different…

And as my beloved father once said…

“The door swings both ways sweetheart, if you try to stop it from doing that you are going to get a painful smack in the butt for your efforts.”

So while I sat over here thinking that Bear’s parent should apply the thought that not all things that are different are wrong, I forgot to apply that to myself if I ever allowed myself to get angry or frustrated with their actions!  Not always mind you, I’m pretty open minded and good about remembering the other person has a point of view and I have to respect that.

But hey, I’m human too; so to say that I was altruistic throughout it all would make me a liar.  So I won’t say that.  And I think you already know the truth of it anyway.  J

Anyway, this post was to help me remember things for the future…and maybe it will be someone else’s epiphany.  You never know.

Let Them Eat cup CAKE!!!!

It’s official.  I’m becoming Bridezilla.

About 4 months ago I showed Bear that TV show.  Bridezilla.  I think it comes on Lifetime or something similar.  We laughed our asses off.  I told him quite seriously that I would NEVER, I repeat, NEVER be like that.  How totaaaaaally wrong I was.

I know  this weekend, my poor Bear was walking around in a haze of wonderment saying to himself  “Where did my sweety go?” while I stood before him in my fire breathing green skinned glory saying “We MUST have a guest book!!!!!”.

Poor Bear.

Ok, enough about Poor Bear and on to the Aurora Pity Party Show!!! 

Seriously, things here are starting to get under my skin.  I never knew doing things on my own would be so darn hard or stressful.  I even woke up with a migraine this morning and I haven’t had one of those in a long time.

So, let’s start the festivities shall we?

I haven’t found a cake yet.  Or rather, I FOUND the Bride and Groom cake and had almost decided on this scrumptious chocolate with fresh strawberries for the wedding cake …and then changed my mind.  Why you ask?  Because it’s $200 freaking dollars and I’m on a tight budget.  Also, I don’t have a wedding coordinator nor a real caterer (my favorite restaurant is providing the food and some service but not much else to help with my costs).  This means I don’t have someone officially to cut the cake.  And I don’t want anyone else to do it either because I mean WHAT PAIN IN THE BUTT.  People don’t go to a wedding to do work.  They go to have fun.  I already have to ask my family to help with setup and clean up; I don’t want to add to the list.  Plus, did I mention that darn cake was $200???  So, then we went to Michael’s Craft to see about a wedding cake holder/platter thingee for INCASE we get the cake because we can’t afford the cake and the snazzy cake holder from the cake maker.

And this is where the “Poor Bear” comes in.

We went in to look for the snazzy cake thingee and I headed straight for the flowers because I remembered that I still need to have a bouquet and why not have one of pretty fake flowers that I can keep forever?  But I couldn’t find any flowers I liked…after making two bouquets and dismissing them.  Bear just stood there with a puzzled look on his face saying “Put that was pretty…what you just did.”

Next was the wedding aisle.  Remember?  The snazzy cake thingee?  Yeah, well, I forgot all about that or at least put it on a side burner when I saw the cake toppers and remembered we needed that too.  Oh and the cake cutter.  Do we need stemware to drink out of?  Nah…no alcohol being served.  But wait, what about a guess book, look at these.  Oh and table favors?  Nah…favor enough to come to the wedding.  But look there!  They have fake rose petals for the flower girls to toss down and pretty little sparkly butterfly and dove shaped large confetti to be tossed instead of rice!  And oh yeah!  We need to get an album so we can make one with our pictures in there…and we need one for his family to have too.  Should we get one for my family or should we give them a picture that’s framed?  Should we check on the frame costs?  Nah, we can check that after the wedding and give it to them before we leave.  Have we found the snazzy cake thingee yet Bear?  Bear?  BEAR!  Oh, there you are, where were you?  Oh you found the thingee?  How much?  Show me.  MY GOD!  So expensive?  For something we are only going to use once and can’t keep because we’re moving to India?  This is ridiculous!  That will make our stupid cake worth about $300!!  No way man!  Now what are we going to do?????????

And Poor Bear just stood there staring at me wondering what the heck had happened to me.  Then he pulled me aside and tried desperately to make me focus.  He said…

“Sweety, I don’t know what all you need, you haven’t told me…so why don’t we just focus on the cake and resolve that and then we can make a list and resolve those one at a time?”

NO NO NO NO NO!!!  That is stupid boy logic!  Does NOT compute in female brain!  We have a code red!  Battlestations!  Female mind is about to explode!!!!

Ok, so obviously my brain didn’t explode and obviously I did see the logic in what he was saying…but not at first.  At first, I was so frazzled and hopeless that I just wanted to wallow somewhere dark and safe where there were no wedding plans happening.

But then Bear hugged me and smiled and plucked my chin up and said “Sweety, take a deep breath, we’ve made it this far…we’ll finish it.  Don’t worry.”

Have I mentioned lately how very much I love this man?

So, we left and decided to stop at Ralph’s to see if THEY do wedding cakes.  And while we were there, I told the girl about my concern over not having a cake cutter person and having 60 some people to feed cake to.  She suggested cupcakes.  She said, why not do a Bride and Groom Cake and then do cupcakes to match that?  We can even do it in your wedding colors and everything would only cost about $80 including the cupcake platter thingee.

Did I mention that I love that bakery lady at Ralph’s?

So, let them eat cupcake is my new slogan.

However, Bear’s is now “I’m marrying a new age Bridezilla.”

Wisdom of the Day:  Hire a wedding planner no matter what your budget.  Even if it’s just a friend, pay her to help you otherwise you are going to go completely insane.

Below see the Idea for the Wedding Cupcake.

PS: After reading this blog, Bear asked me to add this one thing “Bear is wondering where his hairs are going”.  Personally I don’t see any bald spots.  Ok ok, so maybe a few but he’s young, it’ll grow back.  LOL 

Bhabhi does it again…

A quick update to my earlier post….

Bhabhi understood my stress and tension about the name change and has been thinking over the weekend about what could be done.

And she came up with the best answer and one I should have seen for myself.  She said that my first letter to them impressed them greatly.  They were happy to see how well I expressed my own opinions while being respectful of theirs.  They liked my values.  They liked me better after reading that first email.  So Bhabhi’s solution was for me to write another one to them explaining everything that I explained to you all in this blog.

And I did.  And I sent it about an hour and a half ago.

Forty minutes ago, Bear got an email from his father (addressed to both of us and using the name “Aurora”) wishing us great joy and warmest blessings on our marriage.  Baba (Marathi for father) went on to say how they wished they could attend our marriage but as they could not be here physically, they were here for us in spirit.  They sent their love and all the family’s approval and signed off.

OH JOY!

Can you say Incandescantly Happy boys and girls????????  I knew you could! 

The Name Game…

Wonderful news!  His parents have accepted our marriage!

But wait!  There’s more!

Apparently, his mother will only accept it if I follow family tradition and change my first name upon marrying Bear! 

Apparently, some families in Maharashtra follow this tradition/custom.  Bear’s family is one of those.

Bear and I had discussed this possibility a long time back when I first heard of it from another source and asked him if his family also follow this tradition.  He had said yes, but that it wasn’t compulsory for me to do so.

Nevertheless, I contemplated it.

The name he had chosen for me should I accept the change was a beautiful one and somewhat sounded like my real name (or my American one).

But my father, of whom I am deeply attached, gave me my name.  He had argued with my mother for days in order to win this particular battle…and he got his wish.  I was given the name he had chosen for me long before he even knew there was a me to name.

My father has been my saving grace over the years.  The one I went to for advice on all things (boys, makeup, and math).  I felt closer to my father than I ever did my mother.  My father was my knight in shining armor.  Always there to fight my battles when I couldn’t do it for myself.  My champion of light.  My father is truly one of the best men in my eyes…and I just couldn’t give up the name he had given to me.  It would destroy him.

You see, when I was younger I hated my first name.  It’s very old fashioned, especially during my youth.  I got picked on A LOT for it.  So I once asked him if I could change it.  He became very serious, his eyes misted up a little bit and he told me how much he loved my name and asked me if I knew it’s meaning.  I said no.  “Worthy of Love”….was his reply.  He told me how he had wanted that name for as long as he could remember and how much my name fitted me.  He said that someday, I would see how beautiful it really was and how true its meaning could be.  And he was right.  That day did come and I loved my name as much as he did.  Even if it took me growing up to see it.

And when I told him that I would be moving to India to be with my soon to be husband, he again became emotional and with tears in his voice, he said “I want you to be happy with all my heart, but I’m so afraid we will only see each other a few times before I die if you move so far away”.  I knew, without him saying anything else, how much my decision to live in India with Bear was hurting my father.  How scared he was.  And I saw how much he was giving up to let me go.  To let me go and live the life he helped give.

It’s because of these things that I know without asking, how very much my giving up my name would hurt my father.

And so I told Bear that I couldn’t do this.  That I thought about it and the reasons why I felt I couldn’t change my name once we were married.  Even though I liked the name he chose for me very much.  I explained that I would be “Aurora” in my heart forever.

And Bear agreed.  He said he had fallen in love with “Aurora” and wouldn’t want that to change if I did not wish it to.

And now this.

JUST when you think you’ve won the war, a new little skirmish comes up to kick you in the pants!

Except this was a big skirmish and I know it’s important to his family for me to do this “one thing” for them.  The only thing that they are asking for.  And they have been very sure to point that out.  That’s it’s the only thing that are asking for from me.

Can we say Guilt Trip boys and girls?  I knew you could.

But you know what?  No matter what, I know what is right.  I know what my value’s are.  And I know I made the right decision.  So I stand by it.  I will not change my name legally.  So I told them that they could all call me by this new name that Bear has chosen, that they can even introduce me to THEIR friends by this new name, but legally and to my friends and family I will remain “Aurora”.

Mom and Dad were NOT pleased with this.  And they relayed this information through Bear and Bhau (means brother in Hindi – in this case it’s Bear’s brother).

So I told all of my feelings to Bhau and to Bhabhi.  And they understand and agreed that this is fair, my wanting to keep it legally and allowing family to call me by the new name.  So they are once again stepping in for me and speaking to the parents to try to make them understand that I am not disrespecting the family by refusing, I am showing my respect for my family while still trying to respect his.

Let’s all pray that they can understand this and agree.

The other good news is that now Bhau will be coming to the wedding.  Bhabhi cannot because she just had a child.  This makes me sad.  I want to meet the woman who made things so much better for us all.  I want her to be there for this.  But we will have Bhau and through him….Bhabhi.

The countdown is on now people.  Let’s see just how sane I can remain!

Bhabhi Made It Better….

Swinging Sisters

When I first started researching the issues that Bear and I would face as an Intercultural couple, I learned many things.  Most of all the resistance that his family would have to such a union.  The resistance could range from all out war, to something more of a simple disapproval.  So many blogs advised that the best thing we could do was seek the assistance of an elder in the family who approved or at the very least understood and wanted to help get approval from his parents.

And for the most part this is still very good advice.  The only problem with this is that the elder generation in India is not always going to be so approving.

At the time, when we were trying to decide who best to enlist to help us, we were thinking about who Bear felt the most comfortable with talking about his feelings or issues.  And this is still valid.  But we kind of stopped there.  We did take into consideration that this person should also be open to it, but we didn’t delve into that chosen person’s personality to make a more informed decision as to whether they would be able to accept our rather odd union (or odd by Indian standards being that I’m older than Bear).

So we went to Bear’s Grandfather on his Father’s side.  Mainly because Bear felt the closest to him, he felt that he could tell his Grandfather anything and his Grandfather would listen and try to help.  And for the most part he was right…until Grandfather learned of our age difference.  And that is where everything fell apart.

You see, the younger generation of India is a bit more receptive and open to these things than the older generation.  I had thought that it wasn’t necessarily about the generation but more about experience of seeing the world and living in it.  I thought that Grandfather would see that age doesn’t matter, it’s a person’s values and the strength of the relationship that do.  And to some extent he does, but he couldn’t get past that tradition of the man being younger and this was our downfall.

After that, relations with the entire family became strained to the point that no one was willing to listen to Bear.  Even his brother, whom he was once close to as children, was opposed and sided with the family.

And then one day, Bhabhi (this means brother’s wife in Urdu – a dialect of Hindi – in this case it is Bear’s brother’s wife) called me on behalf of the family and tried to talk me out of marrying Bear.  I took it in stride, expressed my sorrow at the family’s pain and my role in it, but reaffirmed that I had made a promise to Bear and to God to stand by him and that I never break my promises.  Every question she asked me, I answered with respect.  We debated for two hours.  And every time, my answer was the same.  After the call, I was emotionally drained and not sure how to take the call.  I had only Bear’s perceptions of Bhabhi to go on and he had witnessed tension between her and his parents that made him slightly disapproving of her in the beginning.

I had always tried to explain to him that perhaps he didn’t know the whole story, but he is his parent’s son and we are all protective of our own family.  So while he cared for and liked Bhabhi, there were some small hard feelings for her too.  I wasn’t sure what the good was by talking to her, but my feeling always has been that talking is the best thing to do in any situation.

And then Bhabhi called me again two days later when her husband was at work and Bear was gone.  And we talked some more.  And two days later we talked again.  And then I called her the day after that.  Bhabhi and I slowly started getting to know each other and realizing that we had similar thoughts on certain topics.  Our feelings were the same.  Our values.  Our love of laughing.  I found myself liking Bhabhi very much and for the first time in my life, I started to become excited about having a sister of my very own (after having 5 overprotective and stinky brother’s who would pester and pick on me unmercifully…the brats).

And then Aai (this means Mother in Marathi – in this case it is Bear’s mother) became unwell.  This happened the day before yesterday, urgent calls were made by Bear’s brother telling him that Aai’s failing health was Bear’s fault.  Bhau’s (Bhau means brother – in this case it is Bear’s brother) reaction was understandable.  He was feeling torn between the parents who he wanted to respect and the brother that he wanted to help and couldn’t.  He’s also stuck here in the US on a contract with a new child and could not go home to help his mother or father the way he wanted to.  His frustration and fear for his mother’s health reached a breaking point and he and Bear argued terribly yesterday morning.  Bear then asked me to call Bhabhi and check on Aai’s health.  So I did and Bhabhi and I talked and talked and both of us were frustrated and feeling sad and fore lone.

And at one point, out of sheer frustration and fear and exhaustion and stress, I broke down and cried to her.  “Bhabhi, I don’t know what to do!  I made him a promise I cannot break but I don’t want Aai this sick either!!  What am I going to do?”  And I cried and cried as if it had been welling in me for months and finally had a release.  And Bhabhi kept saying “Relax Aurora sweety, please do not cry, I am here, please do not cry”.

Eventually it stopped and I apologized to her for my outburst and told her that I hated that she was stuck in this position with every one coming to her bursting with their emotions when she should be the one being taken care of and loved (she just had her youngest daughter less than two weeks ago).  She told me that she is here for all of us and never feel like I cannot cry to her; she is here for me for whatever may happen.  And that was the end of the call.  I spent the rest of the day feeling lost.

What to do?

So Bear and I decided that no matter what, we were staying together.  We discussed the problems that were arising and the things that were being said and the possible outcome of our continuing to marry.  We decided that we were stronger together and happier.  We really can’t live without one another now…he breathes and I exhale…we are so close.  And then we prayed for Aai’s health.

We both spent the day a little depressed and worried.

And then, late last night, Bear received another phone call from his brother.  His brother asked him if he would be willing to speak with Bhabhi (brother’s wife remember?) and Bear agreed.

And this is where things began to change.

Bhabhi listened to Bear.  She discussed things with him.  They had an honest to goodness real conversation.  Bhabhi talked TO him instead of AT him.  And Bear realized that Bhabhi was the one person (and perhaps by extension – his brother as well) that understood best what it was he was going through.  And he learned that she felt that his relationship with me was not the horror that everyone was making it out to be.  Bhabhi had experienced American culture, had American friends, and had worked with Americans.  She saw us for what we are…diverse and sometimes crazy but also very loving with our own set of traditions just as worthy – if different – from India.  Bear’s perception of Bhabhi began to change; he began to see her in a way he hadn’t seen before.  He began to understand that she may have faced similar issues when marrying into his family, that only being in our situation now he could understand better where she had been coming from.  Bhabhi became our Soldier of Good Fortune in this war and Bhabhi essentially saved us all.

Yes, you read that right.  After talking to Bear and finally understanding what the whole family was hearing from Bear for 8 months but not LISTENING too, Bhabhi then explained it to her husband in a way HE could understand and accept.  And then HE called and talked to Bear’s father in a way that Baba (this means Father in Marathi) could understand.

And so it was that this morning, we got a call separately.  Bear from his brother and I from Bhabhi, telling us that Baba accepts our marriage.  He will talk to and get the acceptance from Aai.  Everyone now feels who cares what others say as long as we are happy?  And to them Bear’s happiness is THEIR happiness.

Bhabhi and I agreed we are both the best things that could ever happen to this family.  We will make them stronger, healthier and happier in their lives.  We will show them the love that they need and the happiness that comes from laughter and being together.  We promised each other to always work together and never give up; in helping this family become more open to one another.  In learning how to talk to one another.

But ultimately, it was Bhabhi all along who was the saving grace.  And even though she doesn’t know about this blog, I wanted the world to know what a wonderful sister I am going to have.

I’ve already told her myself.

Love to you all!!!!!  I am so HAPPY!!!!!!!!!

More to come….till then….remain happy, healthy and wise!

Best,

Aurora

You’re in the midst of a war…

Milgrain design wedding band

I finally get a few moments to write another quick blog to update you all on the progress of the Wedding.

“You’re in the midst of a war: a battle between the limits of a crowd seeking the surrender of your dreams, and the power of your true vision to create and contribute. It is a fight between those who will tell you what you cannot do, and that part of you that knows / and has always known / that we are more than our environment; and that a dream, backed by an unrelenting will to attain it, is truly a reality with an imminent arrival.”   Anthony Robbins quotes

Ok, so I’m not much for the self helper types but this quote by Anthony Robbins perfectly fits with my present situation.

So does…

“All hands on deck!  Battle stations!  Mr. Chekov, all power to front deflector fields!”

Eh…I’m a techie nerd.

So, here’s the skinny.

Sunday, Bear and I finally got a chance to go and get our wedding rings.  We found the perfect set at Robbins Brothers.  I can’t post a picture of them here as they are still at the store being sized and engraved.  We chose yellow gold comfort fit bands.  Mine is plain and his has the milgrain design on the top and bottom of the ring (I liked the milgrain design but it didn’t look nice on my hand while it looked perfect on his).  The rings are wide enough to allow us to insert diamonds later, which we will do on our first year anniversary.  It made me so happy to complete that stage of our wedding journey!

After that, we went to Mandir (which is a Hindu Temple in Irvine) and offered our wedding invitation to Lord Ganesha (he is the Hindu God with the Elephant head, read more about him at the link).  Ganesha is the God who is known best as the Remover of all Obstacles and in the Hindu religion he is the one prayed to before starting any important ceremony.  We also spoke with the Pundit there about the issue of our marriage occurring during what is generally to be considered an inauspicious time frame.  Hindu’s do not generally marry during the months of July, August and September.  The Pundit checked and found that between the hours of 9am and 12pm on August 9^th (the day of our wedding, and the exact time no less) it was an auspicious time and that if the Jai Mala (the exchange of garlands) was performed before 10:30am it was even better.

Because we are marrying with Arya Samaj and their belief was that every day was a good day because God created every day…they were more than happy to work with whatever we needed.  So, Sunday evening we went for temple with Arya Samaj and after services we spoke with the elders and the Pundit of Arya Samaj and planned the wedding with them.  They were able to help us decide where best to set up everything and which ceremony should be performed and who in the family could help perform it.  I’ll write on the actual ceremony and the services we will be doing in another blog.

And then Sunday night, on our way home, Bear got an email on his Blackberry….from his father….addressed to us both.  Finally I was being recognized by the family!!

Upon reaching home, I found that he had also cc’ed me at my personal email address.  So I set down to read it.  And read it.  And read it.  It was quite long.  It also said all the same things that they’ve been saying all along.  He listed all the reasons why I should not go through with marrying their son.  Except this time he was more specific.  And it was because of his specifics that I realized that they truly do not know anything about who I am as a person or what I know of their culture.  Even though in the early days Bear told them all of the things they questioned.  I know he did because I was there for nearly every conversation and we would discuss it before hand and afterwards.  What to say and not say that sort of thing.  And yet still I find that they were not listening.  Which, to be quite honest, is perfectly normal.  If you are listening to something that you don’t want to hear, you do not absorb it.  That is human nature.

So I took a full day to consider how I wanted to respond to them.  This was my opportunity to let them know who their future daughter in law was.  The problem was how to do it.  Do I write an email the way I normally would write to anyone older to me in the US?  Or do I tone it down?  Or do I write the way I would write to my Grandparents generation?  What to do?  I’m generally a very open and decided person when I write.  I speak the truth, I sometimes deflect it a bit, soften it if you will, by giving examples but the truth is still there and still powerful.  Could I do that with them?  Could I write something that essentially would be pointing to them the truth while still being respectful?

I found that I could and did.

I wrote what amounted to a five page email.  I answered all their questions.  I explained pieces of who I am as a person.  What I know of the Indian Culture.  What I know I will have to face in the future.  What I intend to do about problems or issues that may arise due to our differences and life living in India.  I told the truth.  Never once did I point a finger at them, or accuse them, or tell them “Hey, this wouldn’t be such a huge issue if you had listened a little more carefully previously or been a little more open”.

But I wanted to write that sentence.  Ohhhhhh how I wanted to write some version of that sentence.  Because that is also the truth.  But I feel that in some small way, I did point that out by expressing myself the way that I did.  Here is an excerpt from that letter….

When his father questioned me on my decision to marry Bear, I answered that it was a joint decision not mine alone.  When he further questioned me on people accepting me, I answered with this….

” My father once told me that I must be responsible for every action or non action I take in life.  It was because of his guidance and that of the elders in my family and our community that I learned that my decisions will affect more than just myself.  I was also taught that one can please all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot please all the people all the time.  The great difficulty is knowing when and where to draw the line.”

Thank you Abraham Lincoln. 

They also requested me, again, to end this relationship.  That they were concerned for my future as well as Bear’s.  That they were willing to speak to my parents on my behalf to explain to them the issues I would face so that everyone would understand why we were no longer marrying.

And I responded with this…

“I wish I could tell you that I will make all your fears and pains go away by not marrying “Bear”, but I cannot do that.  I made a promise to your son and a promise to God to be with him always.  I never break my promises and because of this I never give them lightly.  I hope that you can understand and respect that.”

I further went on to ask them one favor, to please give me a chance.  To get to know me, the person that I am and see if having me as a daughter would be as bad as what they believed.  I asked them to trust that their son’s decision to give me as a daughter to them was a good one.  I asked them to open their hearts to me and let me show them how much I could love, care for and protect them.

And once I had read my letter to Bear and he also felt that I had said nothing disrespectful or hurtful to his family (because I wanted his opinion on that), I sent that email off.

And so now I wait.  To see if they respond again or if they contact Bear.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I know that the percentages say that they will eventually come around…after the marriage.  It’s a shame…I wish they could be a part of this day.  I know that Bear wants it with all of his heart and this is hurting him, his family’s distrust of his values, morals and intellect.

But I’m doing everything I can to protect him too.  I keep reminding him that it’s not truly that they distrust him, it’s that they distrust the situation.

Hopefully someday very soon, they no longer will be sad and hurt to have me as their daughter.  Hopefully someday very soon, I can call myself lucky to have such a large family by including his into it.

Until that day comes, I wait.

Now I’m off to address wedding invitations.  YAY for me!