A Quick Update…

I know I’ve been a little remiss to update the old blog lately and I’m sincerely sorry to you all for that.

So, I had a few extra moments today that I could take in all my moving madness to update you on a few things going on.

I’ve been running my butt off trying to take care of all things at once….just like when I was running my butt off to get all the marriage stuff taken care off quickly.  And once again, I started to get a little stressed out until this wonderful idea struck my head…

 

 

 

You see, the biggest thing looming over me was selling my things.  I had needed the money in order to buy my ticket back home to India….but also because I have so much of my life here that there just seems to be so much to do!

But then, something amazing happened!  Without coming out and telling people we needed money instead of gifts for the wedding, they somehow figured it out and we got enough in money gifts to purchase both of our tickets back home to India!!!  So, now I know I am going back home.  That’s not a worry anymore.  So no more need to worry about selling things.  Right?  RIGHT?

Nope, now I am worried about the cost of shipping some of my items back to India.  Mainly my books.  It costs too much to ship them.  USPS no longer sends cargo via shipping routes.  Now it’s all airmailed which is costly.  For 66 pounds I would have to pay around $350 smackaroos!!!  Now, I’m a big reader and have a large collection of books which I cannot leave behind…so this is a serious problem for me.  As I know my books weigh almost 100 pounds.  Bleck.  One more obstacle to overcome.  So back to the researching.

Another thing is my car.  I have to sell it before we leave at the begining of October.  Yep…you got it…I’ve got less than a month to sell my car.  Granted, my car is fairly new, in very good condition and runs great….but it’s a gas hog and nobody can seem to afford the thing right now.  So wish me the best on that.  I NEED to sell it at a good price in order to pay off my loan on it!

Everything else I’m either selling to friends or donating.  

Or trying desperately to fit it into the 6 bags we are allowed to take with us back to India.

Other than that….it’s been a total roller coaster ride and my head is still spinning here folks.  So I know it’s been long over due, and I know this is not a good blog posting as it’s rather scant with information….but I promise I will have more soon.  Just let me get my Visa and packing and moving out of my old apartment in order…accha?  :)

Take care till then!

A Wedding for Seven Lifetimes

Our Wedding Rings

August 9^th, 2009.

A date I’ll never forget and I’m truly horrible with dates.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of a winter wedding with a big white princess dress and attendants in royal purple flowing chiffon dresses.  The guys would all look like Fred Astaire, Ray Milan and Gary Cooper.  I would dye my auburn hair to be even deeper and redder and I would have it styled just like Grace Kelly or Ginger Rogers.  And we would float across the dance floor after we were married.

My wedding was so much better than the dreamed up childhood one!

Instead I was a summer bride dressed all in red with gold and pearl stitching.  I was covered in jewelry from head to foot (literally).  My hands and feet were stained deep red instead of my hair and my Prince Charming was splendid in creamy white cotton with gold and red stitching to match my perfect wedding sari.  My attendants were dressed in gorgeous teals and pinks and earthy browns.  And we floated across the floor to welcome people and talk to them.

There were so many things that happened and so many wonderful memories that they are still all jumbled up in my brain and hard to fasten on any particular one.

I’m still amazed that I’m a WIFE!  A wife to a perfect Husband!  To my Bear!

There were so many times that I thought this day would never come, so many days that I sat and fretted about what would happen, if people would accept us, if everything would go smoothly.

And all that fretting was all for naught.  I’ve never felt more loved and accepted and happy!

All those things we read and hear about, all those little cares and worries we let take over our lives and stress out to the breaking point…once you get past them; they are like misty things that no longer touch our heart and minds.  I sit here today, wondering what all the fuss was about.  I did it!  I made it happen!  I had the perfect man to help me.  The perfect families to guide, love and support me.  The perfect friends to cheer me on and give me advice.  And yet I still sat and fretted and worried myself into migraines and upset stomachs!

And every Bride does to some extent.

I’m still running around, busy with after marriage stuff.  Getting the license and contacting the Indian Embassy for help with my Visa selection…but things are starting to wind down, calm down a bit.

Once that happens, I will write a proper blog and fill you in on every step and every joy and every hard thing we had to face.

Till then, take care of yourself and keep checking back!!!

Preparing for the Seven Steps

Wedding Madness!

So I have like….what?  Three days left?  Counting today?  To get stuff done?  Not even that actually as I can’t really do anything on Saturday because that’s when everyone is getting together for our Haldi/Mehndi ceremony dinner thingee.

Baprey.  (Meaning “Oh God…help me”)

I’m so tired I can barely stand, but I have a few hours this morning to rest so here I am, not resting.  My mind is going a million miles a minute.  So I figured that I would sit down and write to all of you about what’s been going on.

Sidenote: I sat here for a full five minutes with this blank stare on my face trying to remember what all I’ve done since last time I wrote.  There’s so much I think I overloaded my brain for a few minutes.  Reboot was required.  System crash.  Full restore in progress.  Restart in 5…4…3…2…

1)      Last Thursday I went with my friend S to pick up my Wedding Sari and Top from the tailor.  The work she did was absolutely stunning and I couldn’t have asked for better work to be done.  It was at Poshaak in Artesia.  If you’ve ever in town, stop by there.  They are kind and carry excellent quality clothes.  Little expensive, but if you have the money, definitely the better purchase.

2)      Friday I ran a bunch of errands, including paying for the Decorator.  She usually only does weddings that are $25,000 and above but she liked Bear and I so much that she is decorating on a small scale for us for around $1000.  Check out their site here.  They are called Ethnic Essence and their decorating skills for Indian Weddings are AMAZING.

3)      Saturday and Sunday Bear and I ran around trying to take care of a million things at once.  We bought his shoes (see below) and picked up a few things that the Pundit asked us to gather for the wedding, like the Sindoor (this is red powder like substance that Bear puts in the part of my hair to signify that I am a married woman).  I still have more that I need to get, like the Paan leaves, puffed flattened rice, small red dupatta (to tie me to his dupatta, it is done right before we take our walk 7 times around the fire…it signifies that we are together in all things), a coconut and a few other things (there is a nut that we have to get too but darned if I remember it’s name without going and looking at the paperwork and I’m too tired to get up).   Also, my friend S took me to buy things for my hair…decorative pins and the like.  Bear and I also were up till 2:30 in the morning cleaning his apartment and throwing away things left behind by other contractors who once stayed here.

4)      Monday I don’t remember what I did.  Oh wait, yes I do.  I ran my butt off finishing the cleaning of this apartment.  Going grocery shopping.

5)      Tuesday morning I went to the airport to pick up my Brother and his Fiancé.  I took them to a rental car place which was in the most inconvenient area imaginable.  Then we drove back to Bear’s apartment so they could take a nap before driving up to San Fran to visit some friends.  I continued to clean the apartment, and then woke them up.  Then I got cleaned up and ran to the airport again to pick up my Father, Stepmom, and Aunty.  Brought them back to Bear’s apartment and Bear and I cooked dinner for them (Opo and Aloo subji) and then I drove them to my sister-in-laws house where they spent the night (got back to Bear’s house around 10:30 and passed out).

6)      Got up at the ungodly hour of 6:30 in the morning to drive my Dad and Stepmom to the rental car agency to pick up their car.  Got a call from my brother in San Fran that his rental car had broken down.  Started pulling out my hair and noticed that it was turning silver (at least it’s better than white or grey).   I stopped and picked up Darkest Brown hair color to fix that.  Afterwards, stopped at the Bakery to order the 60 plus cupcakes in our wedding colors.  Half of them are chocolate with cream colored cream frosting and little red roses on top.  Other half is vanilla with red icing and little cream colored cream frosting roses on the top.  The Bride and Groom cake is still the Mango flavored angel food cake with fresh Mango’s and Strawberries inside.

7)      The rest of Tuesday I rested man.

8)      Wednesday was my Dad’s birthday, so we all went out to lunch at Lucille’s.  We had them sing and bring Dad a birthday treat.  Also, here (yesterday – Wednesday) it was Raksha Bandhan.  This is a holiday in India where a girl gives a boy (usually brother and sister, but also cousin’s and good friends) a Rakhi.  A Rakhi is a bracelet made from colored string and beads and other things that the girl then ties to the boys right wrist.  A small puja is performed and the girl and boy feed each other sweets.  Then the boy gifts something to the girl.  He also must protect her for the rest of her life.  My friend S’s husband is my Babba (father in Hindi because he bosses me so much so I nicknamed him this to antagonize him) but mainly he is like my brother.  I care for them all very much.  So I gifted the Rakhi to Babba again this year, as I did last year.  S helped me with the Puja so this time it was done properly.  Babba seemed to enjoy it very much.  Then I came back and colored my hair.  It is now almost black with red highlights.  Very pretty but much darker than I thought.  Bear LOVES it.

9)      This morning, I slept in.

10)   This afternoon I go with S to get the food we need for Saturday night’s Haldi/Mehndi party.  Haldi is this.  Mehndi is this.  S will be cooking up a storm for that night and we will have about 20 people there.  There will be Mehndi music and dancing and family and food and so much fun!  And I have to sit for MOST of it!!!  Siiiiiiiiigh.  Oh well, I’ll just make Bear bring me food and drink!  LOL

11)   Friday Bear has off from work and we are going to Artesia AGAIN to get the final list of items from the Pundit (see above #3) and to give information for the Bride and Groom cake to be picked up on Saturday late afternoon.  We also are picking up fake flower decorations for the Mustang that my dad is getting to take Bear and his brother to the wedding in.  Fake because it’s cheaper and they will be on the freeway and real flowers won’t stand up to my Dad’s method of driving.  LOL I’m also going to get my pedicure and manicure done.    We then will go to my apartment to get the rest of the things that I have kept there.  My Manglasutra, his Sherwani, the Wedding jewelry (necklace, tikha, ankle trinkets, my shoes and a few other things).  Then we will go to Costco for the plates and napkins and glasses as we are cutting costs by providing disposable utensils instead of having the caterer cart his things there.  That would be more expensive and he is trying to help us cut costs.  We also have to stop and buy my makeup for that day as I need something that won’t wear off from the heat of the fire of my own crying (and I know I’m gonna…I’m getting all emotional now thinking about it).

12)   Saturday I’m doing NOTHING and this is where my friends and family take over.  They will do all the food and ceremony preparation.  I’m just gonna sit there and do nothing…for ONCE!  Hehe  Except eat.  I’ll eat.  J

13)   Sunday I’m getting Married!!!!!

Well, I hope you’ve all enjoyed reading my to-do list because that’s what this really is.  I knew I was going to forget something, so I figured why not turn it into a post so you can see what I’m up to and I can remind myself what still is left to do.

I’m including a video from one of my favorite East meets West movies.  I just like the fact that Sayeed from Lost is in that movie and I get to see him dancing in a Sherwani.  J  Plus it’s a fun song and we will probably play it Saturday night.

Till then, I probably will be going nuts.  So take care and I’ll write sometime next week!  Much love to all!  Have a fabulous Weekend!

Last night I had an Epiphany!

Definition Epiphany:  a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Everyday someone comments on a blog.  I’ve always felt that comments on a blog were just as important as the blog itself as it gave other people an opportunity to express their views.  This in turn made the blog more meaningful and helpful.  It gives rise to new ideas and theory’s.  And sometimes it helps someone to have an epiphany.

Yesterday a commenter (Ms. Ninja) wrote on Bhabhi Made It Better.  Her comment reminded me of something that had been lurking in the back of my brain but had not fully been realized till she wrote.

You see, I’ve been writing about how hard it’s been to be in an intercultural relationship with someone whose parents didn’t approve.  I’ve been writing about the changes that I will make in my life and the difficulties I might face or that Bear has had to face.  I’ve been writing about how sad it makes my father to have a daughter move so far away.

But I’ve never once written about how hard it must be for Bear’s family.

And it has been hard for them.  And I think we need to address that too because it’s just as important as all the rest.

While I have not spoken to them directly about their feelings on this, I have got a very good idea of what their main concerns have been.  And while we might not always agree with their concerns, it does not lesson it for them.  The world might have moved on in some places, but not in all.

Just imagine you have a son or daughter that you think you know so well.  A son or daughter that you have hopes and dreams for.  And then imagine how you would feel when that son or daughter starts behaving in a way you’ve never seen or imagined them capable of before.  Starts making decisions without you when before they always came to you first before taking those decisions.  Just imagine your life being directly affected by those decisions and the extremity of the change.  How would you feel?  I know you are setting there saying to yourself the same things I’ve said…if I love them I would want the best for them and help them.  But isn’t that exactly what Baba and Aai have done?  Whether or not we agree with their methods, it doesn’t change that their feelings are just as important to them as ours are to us.

Baba and Aai have been asked to face a great many challenges during the past 8 months since Bear and I told them of our intention to marry.  Their world, the one that they had created and cherished and depended on was crashing around their feet.  They were desperate, just as any normal human being who loves greatly would be.  And I love them all the more for it.

To return to my psychology training, Baba and Aai have been going through what Kubler-Ross called the five stages of Grief.

Let’s explore those now so that you can see that their behavior has been exactly what any other normal human being has experienced when dealing with a severe loss of something beloved.

Denial: usually temporary and sometimes can come again after the second stage of grief – Anger.  It’s a defense mechanism to protect the person from realizing the truth of what they are faced with.  By denying the fact of our marriage, or of my existence for some time, it helped them cope with the fact of its reality.

Anger:  Once in the second stage, the individual begins to realize that the denial cannot continue.  Anger can manifest differently for different people and for different reasons.  However the Anger is still there and can make the person difficult to manage or even talk to at this stage.  It is during this time that YOU have to remain calm and not take personally anything that is said.  You also have to remember that you will be needed to help the person healthily express his or her Anger.

Bargaining:  The third stage is when the person comes to hope that they can change the situation or simply delay it.  This is when they can be at their most charming, desperate or even vindictive.  This stage gives the person the appearance of logical and rational thought when making their deals and it is up to you to help them remember the reality of the situation.

Depression:  During the fourth stage the person begins to understand that the situation will not change or be delayed.  Due to this, the person may refuse to speak or see anyone.  He or she may stop medication or proper eating habits.  Essentially, daily routine may become difficult or even impossible for them.  It is during this stage that you must focus on helping them come to terms with the situation and help get them back on track with living their life (in the case of imminent death – this may take longer and require more from you, do not expect them to be happy…but living includes some happy times).

Acceptance:  The final stage is the acceptance of the situation and with that comes some modicum of peace and deeper understanding.  At this stage a person may not focus on any kind of feeling nor express them.  It is up to you to remain with them, and nurture their acceptance to help them continue on with the healing process.

Psychology has found that the five stages of grief apply to any grief situation, from the death of a loved one, learning of one’s own imminent death or even to the loss of some beloved and long cherished belief.

While each person is unique, it does not change that we are all basically “hard wired” for the same range of emotions and emotional internal dialogue.  How we deal with them is what makes us unique.

Bear’s parents went through their own version of the Kubler-Ross model.  While they experienced Denial twice, once before Anger and again right after…they still experienced the same range of emotions and the same stages of Grief.  Their Grief was over the loss of who they thought their son was and the dreams that they had for him.

It’s difficult to correlate two cultures into one.  It’s even more difficult for other cultures not as diverse as our own to accept the emergence of a new culture into theirs.  And really, we cannot blame them.  We’ve gone through it ourselves, and quite recently (consider 9/11).  Just because something is different from what we know and practice does not make it inherently wrong.  It just makes it different…

And as my beloved father once said…

“The door swings both ways sweetheart, if you try to stop it from doing that you are going to get a painful smack in the butt for your efforts.”

So while I sat over here thinking that Bear’s parent should apply the thought that not all things that are different are wrong, I forgot to apply that to myself if I ever allowed myself to get angry or frustrated with their actions!  Not always mind you, I’m pretty open minded and good about remembering the other person has a point of view and I have to respect that.

But hey, I’m human too; so to say that I was altruistic throughout it all would make me a liar.  So I won’t say that.  And I think you already know the truth of it anyway.  J

Anyway, this post was to help me remember things for the future…and maybe it will be someone else’s epiphany.  You never know.

Let Them Eat cup CAKE!!!!

It’s official.  I’m becoming Bridezilla.

About 4 months ago I showed Bear that TV show.  Bridezilla.  I think it comes on Lifetime or something similar.  We laughed our asses off.  I told him quite seriously that I would NEVER, I repeat, NEVER be like that.  How totaaaaaally wrong I was.

I know  this weekend, my poor Bear was walking around in a haze of wonderment saying to himself  “Where did my sweety go?” while I stood before him in my fire breathing green skinned glory saying “We MUST have a guest book!!!!!”.

Poor Bear.

Ok, enough about Poor Bear and on to the Aurora Pity Party Show!!! 

Seriously, things here are starting to get under my skin.  I never knew doing things on my own would be so darn hard or stressful.  I even woke up with a migraine this morning and I haven’t had one of those in a long time.

So, let’s start the festivities shall we?

I haven’t found a cake yet.  Or rather, I FOUND the Bride and Groom cake and had almost decided on this scrumptious chocolate with fresh strawberries for the wedding cake …and then changed my mind.  Why you ask?  Because it’s $200 freaking dollars and I’m on a tight budget.  Also, I don’t have a wedding coordinator nor a real caterer (my favorite restaurant is providing the food and some service but not much else to help with my costs).  This means I don’t have someone officially to cut the cake.  And I don’t want anyone else to do it either because I mean WHAT PAIN IN THE BUTT.  People don’t go to a wedding to do work.  They go to have fun.  I already have to ask my family to help with setup and clean up; I don’t want to add to the list.  Plus, did I mention that darn cake was $200???  So, then we went to Michael’s Craft to see about a wedding cake holder/platter thingee for INCASE we get the cake because we can’t afford the cake and the snazzy cake holder from the cake maker.

And this is where the “Poor Bear” comes in.

We went in to look for the snazzy cake thingee and I headed straight for the flowers because I remembered that I still need to have a bouquet and why not have one of pretty fake flowers that I can keep forever?  But I couldn’t find any flowers I liked…after making two bouquets and dismissing them.  Bear just stood there with a puzzled look on his face saying “Put that was pretty…what you just did.”

Next was the wedding aisle.  Remember?  The snazzy cake thingee?  Yeah, well, I forgot all about that or at least put it on a side burner when I saw the cake toppers and remembered we needed that too.  Oh and the cake cutter.  Do we need stemware to drink out of?  Nah…no alcohol being served.  But wait, what about a guess book, look at these.  Oh and table favors?  Nah…favor enough to come to the wedding.  But look there!  They have fake rose petals for the flower girls to toss down and pretty little sparkly butterfly and dove shaped large confetti to be tossed instead of rice!  And oh yeah!  We need to get an album so we can make one with our pictures in there…and we need one for his family to have too.  Should we get one for my family or should we give them a picture that’s framed?  Should we check on the frame costs?  Nah, we can check that after the wedding and give it to them before we leave.  Have we found the snazzy cake thingee yet Bear?  Bear?  BEAR!  Oh, there you are, where were you?  Oh you found the thingee?  How much?  Show me.  MY GOD!  So expensive?  For something we are only going to use once and can’t keep because we’re moving to India?  This is ridiculous!  That will make our stupid cake worth about $300!!  No way man!  Now what are we going to do?????????

And Poor Bear just stood there staring at me wondering what the heck had happened to me.  Then he pulled me aside and tried desperately to make me focus.  He said…

“Sweety, I don’t know what all you need, you haven’t told me…so why don’t we just focus on the cake and resolve that and then we can make a list and resolve those one at a time?”

NO NO NO NO NO!!!  That is stupid boy logic!  Does NOT compute in female brain!  We have a code red!  Battlestations!  Female mind is about to explode!!!!

Ok, so obviously my brain didn’t explode and obviously I did see the logic in what he was saying…but not at first.  At first, I was so frazzled and hopeless that I just wanted to wallow somewhere dark and safe where there were no wedding plans happening.

But then Bear hugged me and smiled and plucked my chin up and said “Sweety, take a deep breath, we’ve made it this far…we’ll finish it.  Don’t worry.”

Have I mentioned lately how very much I love this man?

So, we left and decided to stop at Ralph’s to see if THEY do wedding cakes.  And while we were there, I told the girl about my concern over not having a cake cutter person and having 60 some people to feed cake to.  She suggested cupcakes.  She said, why not do a Bride and Groom Cake and then do cupcakes to match that?  We can even do it in your wedding colors and everything would only cost about $80 including the cupcake platter thingee.

Did I mention that I love that bakery lady at Ralph’s?

So, let them eat cupcake is my new slogan.

However, Bear’s is now “I’m marrying a new age Bridezilla.”

Wisdom of the Day:  Hire a wedding planner no matter what your budget.  Even if it’s just a friend, pay her to help you otherwise you are going to go completely insane.

Below see the Idea for the Wedding Cupcake.

PS: After reading this blog, Bear asked me to add this one thing “Bear is wondering where his hairs are going”.  Personally I don’t see any bald spots.  Ok ok, so maybe a few but he’s young, it’ll grow back.  LOL 

Bhabhi does it again…

A quick update to my earlier post….

Bhabhi understood my stress and tension about the name change and has been thinking over the weekend about what could be done.

And she came up with the best answer and one I should have seen for myself.  She said that my first letter to them impressed them greatly.  They were happy to see how well I expressed my own opinions while being respectful of theirs.  They liked my values.  They liked me better after reading that first email.  So Bhabhi’s solution was for me to write another one to them explaining everything that I explained to you all in this blog.

And I did.  And I sent it about an hour and a half ago.

Forty minutes ago, Bear got an email from his father (addressed to both of us and using the name “Aurora”) wishing us great joy and warmest blessings on our marriage.  Baba (Marathi for father) went on to say how they wished they could attend our marriage but as they could not be here physically, they were here for us in spirit.  They sent their love and all the family’s approval and signed off.

OH JOY!

Can you say Incandescantly Happy boys and girls????????  I knew you could!